An Ode To No One Is a Cry To Someone

You know how there's that asshole in the group? The one person, guy or girl, who everyone hangs with, but no one likes?

Am I that person?

Is that the reason?

There has to be a reason I cannot get a date. I cannot get a girl interested. I don't think I'm that bad. I've gotten many more compliments over the years than I have insults. I'm cut from different cloth. So what?


It's seriously annoying. I know the fault lies within. I know it.

I just don't know why.

Is it my long hair? Is it my fucked up sense of humor? Is it my not wanting kids? Is it my background? Is it my weird take on life? Is it my desire to have someone, yet still want to be alone sometimes? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT|?

Shit

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

I will not cave to standards that I'm supposed to cave to. Is that where love lies?

I will not give up myself. I refuse to die in your bed. Is that where love lies?

I will not die in your bed anymore, because that's where "love" lies.

What do you want? Another fucking weak ass soul?

Fuck you. I won't lie in your weak bed.

I won't fall apart in your weak arms.
I will not fucking rest in your weak surroundings.
I will NEVER lie to you so that you'll accept me
I WILL NOT LET YOU HURT ME, SCAR ME,HUMILIATE ME, LAUGH AT ME, or FUCK WITH ME EVER AGAIN.



I will be me. Fuck you if you don't like it.

I'm tired of placing my heart on your sleeve, only to have you throw your coat off and use it to wipe up the tears from your past.

RYAN

updownupdownupdown

Damn. The events and news in my wee little life come like mood swings to a manic.

Good news: I'm going to see the Melvins in San Francisco in June. Two nights in a row.

Bad news: No one to drink with or have a good time tonight, nor anyone to go with to the show. A small pittance I guess, but when your bored, your bored. Everyones out of town or has previous plans. I need more than 4 fucking friends down here. And I need more than 7 total.

On an odd and probably gross note.....I just hocked a loogey about 4 feet into the trash and it went directly into the mouth of an upright beer bottle at the top of the pile. That's my luck in a nutshell.

bitch

I know I'm being a bitch. Sometimes I think I just need someone to rip my heart off my sleeve, throw a leash around it, and smack me in the face with it.

I'm so fucking tired of being happy about the possibility of something and having it fall apart right in front of my face. Every goddamn time. Fuck.



I give up.

Pulled in by a lighthouse.

So strange, an off kilter hero
A contraption, a thinker, a do-er

A mess of accessable thoughts
A web that I won't nor want to escape from

Your a stranger, saying the right things
But thinking nothing of what you say

Pouring out your thoughts
Not realizing their mine

Living on canvas and lights and liquids
Thriving on the new and the old.

Yet how far or close you may be
Your still to far, to far to see.

I'm off.

I'm tired
I've been scraping my knees looking for you.
I've been lookin down, looking backwards,
Looking inside, never outside.

I'm tired
From dreaming to much and never listening
Never stopping yet never really moving
Tired from not knowing what to think or do.

I'm asleep
I'm drugged or lost or oblivious or contagious
Obviously unaware
Of what surrounds me

I'm hurt
Alone and sitting here and making up stories
And dreaming and wanting and wondering and confusing
All of me

I'm tired
Aware of my own damned pity and
How sad it sounds to turn over the same page
Day in and night out.

I'm asleep
I'm off to dream
To love you again and smell your hair
To later wake up

Your not there.

Where Will I Land?

Advice comes from all directions except from my brain. The one real power I can almost trust. Unknown people and people I love with unknowing reasons continue to batter me with "Things I oughta do". I oughta do this and I oughta do that. Moms wants to know am I dating? Fuck no! Who would date me? Who would want to try to make me happy? Actually, it isn't that tough. All I ask is honesty, responsibility, and loyalty. And not the "do what I say" kind of loyalty. Just loyalty. Just the respect kind of loyalty. A dash of thoughtfullness and love.

I guess your saying I should try to look on my own. Don't expect it to fall in my lap. Um......... done that. For 15 years. Unsuccesfully. Obviously.

Well, I'll keep on floating. Eventually, my wings will give out and I'll land. On either water and I'll drown, or on land and I'll build a home.

Companionship with the opposite sex is the strangest thing.