Cushions

I've noticed, that since I've started communicating to outer space on this typey rectangle, I've been nothing but a negative soul. Nothing but bitching. Well, what I've had to say is true. I do wonder why certain things have and haven't happened, but I think that if this was the only thing that people had to compare to ME, then it would be way off base. I'm not normally a remorseful, bitter, angry, sad person. I just happen to do most of my writing while drinking, and conversely, I do most of my thinking while drinking, and more so, I speak/type more freely while drunk. I have been hurt, burned, and left out to dry by people in my life. But who hasn't? I really do have a good outlook on life, and maybe I need to convey that more. And think that way more. Writing my hurt isn't a way for me to get people to feel sorry for me, it's just a way for me to vent. It's a cheap form of therapy.

I want to someday write a biography. Not because I think I'm going to be famous, or want to be famous, but I've always loved biography's, and thought a REAL biography, on some random person would be a fun read. I know, lots of biographies have been published, but it's always some super drunk, or some strung out junkie who invented a new language, or a president. I just mean a (somewhat) normal person. Much more relateable than a future president. I want to know if everyone deals with the same issues ( which I think they do, they just handle them better), or if I'm mostly alone. Has anyone else dealt with falling in love, getting married, and getting cheated on twice? Has anyone else has their step daughter accuse a close family member of molesting them, and had their life torn to pieces? Does anyone else miss somebody that they know they can never talk to again, even though they are only 15 minutes away?

It's at this time when I would usually fall into a huge self pity spiral, and write whatever popped into my head. Usually rhyming sad and mad, or some retarded junior high shit. I'm avoiding that tonight, because I've tired of it. It helps to feel sadness sometimes, but whenever I am, I get on here and let everyone know. I don't want to do that anymore. At least not every night.

I have a lot to look forward to. The Melvins shows in June in San Francisco. Big Business in early July. More Melvins shows in late July. Bumbershoot and Flatstock in late August/early September in Seattle. My pictures being published in the Kurt Cobain art book late this year.

Making enough money to afford these things that I have. Having a good job. Having ( mostly ) good family. Having the friends that I have. Those I've known for decades, and those I've known for months.

I think the hardship comes from not having anyone to share these good times with. The trips I'm making. The local shows. Laughing together at something funny or getting angry together at random everyday douchebags. Cooking with someone. Camping with someone. Riding quads, listening to music, watching a movie, sharing a different point of view.........on and on and on and on. It's a challenge most days. It's not easy. But like my folks said; "Life isn't easy. Wear a helmet".

An Ode To No One Is a Cry To Someone

You know how there's that asshole in the group? The one person, guy or girl, who everyone hangs with, but no one likes?

Am I that person?

Is that the reason?

There has to be a reason I cannot get a date. I cannot get a girl interested. I don't think I'm that bad. I've gotten many more compliments over the years than I have insults. I'm cut from different cloth. So what?


It's seriously annoying. I know the fault lies within. I know it.

I just don't know why.

Is it my long hair? Is it my fucked up sense of humor? Is it my not wanting kids? Is it my background? Is it my weird take on life? Is it my desire to have someone, yet still want to be alone sometimes? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT|?

Shit

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

I will not cave to standards that I'm supposed to cave to. Is that where love lies?

I will not give up myself. I refuse to die in your bed. Is that where love lies?

I will not die in your bed anymore, because that's where "love" lies.

What do you want? Another fucking weak ass soul?

Fuck you. I won't lie in your weak bed.

I won't fall apart in your weak arms.
I will not fucking rest in your weak surroundings.
I will NEVER lie to you so that you'll accept me
I WILL NOT LET YOU HURT ME, SCAR ME,HUMILIATE ME, LAUGH AT ME, or FUCK WITH ME EVER AGAIN.



I will be me. Fuck you if you don't like it.

I'm tired of placing my heart on your sleeve, only to have you throw your coat off and use it to wipe up the tears from your past.

RYAN

updownupdownupdown

Damn. The events and news in my wee little life come like mood swings to a manic.

Good news: I'm going to see the Melvins in San Francisco in June. Two nights in a row.

Bad news: No one to drink with or have a good time tonight, nor anyone to go with to the show. A small pittance I guess, but when your bored, your bored. Everyones out of town or has previous plans. I need more than 4 fucking friends down here. And I need more than 7 total.

On an odd and probably gross note.....I just hocked a loogey about 4 feet into the trash and it went directly into the mouth of an upright beer bottle at the top of the pile. That's my luck in a nutshell.

bitch

I know I'm being a bitch. Sometimes I think I just need someone to rip my heart off my sleeve, throw a leash around it, and smack me in the face with it.

I'm so fucking tired of being happy about the possibility of something and having it fall apart right in front of my face. Every goddamn time. Fuck.



I give up.

Pulled in by a lighthouse.

So strange, an off kilter hero
A contraption, a thinker, a do-er

A mess of accessable thoughts
A web that I won't nor want to escape from

Your a stranger, saying the right things
But thinking nothing of what you say

Pouring out your thoughts
Not realizing their mine

Living on canvas and lights and liquids
Thriving on the new and the old.

Yet how far or close you may be
Your still to far, to far to see.

I'm off.

I'm tired
I've been scraping my knees looking for you.
I've been lookin down, looking backwards,
Looking inside, never outside.

I'm tired
From dreaming to much and never listening
Never stopping yet never really moving
Tired from not knowing what to think or do.

I'm asleep
I'm drugged or lost or oblivious or contagious
Obviously unaware
Of what surrounds me

I'm hurt
Alone and sitting here and making up stories
And dreaming and wanting and wondering and confusing
All of me

I'm tired
Aware of my own damned pity and
How sad it sounds to turn over the same page
Day in and night out.

I'm asleep
I'm off to dream
To love you again and smell your hair
To later wake up

Your not there.

Where Will I Land?

Advice comes from all directions except from my brain. The one real power I can almost trust. Unknown people and people I love with unknowing reasons continue to batter me with "Things I oughta do". I oughta do this and I oughta do that. Moms wants to know am I dating? Fuck no! Who would date me? Who would want to try to make me happy? Actually, it isn't that tough. All I ask is honesty, responsibility, and loyalty. And not the "do what I say" kind of loyalty. Just loyalty. Just the respect kind of loyalty. A dash of thoughtfullness and love.

I guess your saying I should try to look on my own. Don't expect it to fall in my lap. Um......... done that. For 15 years. Unsuccesfully. Obviously.

Well, I'll keep on floating. Eventually, my wings will give out and I'll land. On either water and I'll drown, or on land and I'll build a home.

Companionship with the opposite sex is the strangest thing.