 | More of the Hyper-Active Heart. Branching out.
I left a big chunk of time off of the last blog I wrote. Mainly 1994-present. It just seemed that by 94, I had found the direction that I would follow. After knowing about the Melvins for 3 years, listening to my own friends in No Talent, and doing the slightest bit of branching out by attending Lollapalooza in 1993 and 1994, I thought the musical sunset was setting. I expected a LONG sunset, but I figured I'd finally found what I needed to hear. Between the 93 and 94 Lolla tours, saw the following acts: Beck, Green Day, Sonic Youth, Hole, Beastie Boys, Cypress Hill, Smashing Pumpkins, what I think was an early version of Ween, and so much more. Some of these bands I still follow. Some, not so much. But for an 18 yr old, these were great times. Two nights of music, camping in a field with thousands of strangers, and just walking around after the show, talking to people around campfires, smoking whatever, and drinking till that lucky ole sun came up. What a time.
Unfortunately, at that young age, you don't see the future. You don't even think about it. How was I to know, that in 1993, the Melvins would play an additional fifteen years? Without any sign of stopping? If you forget about the one time tour stoppage, the Kevin era, nothing has ever really slowed them down. How lucky am I/we, that my/our favorite band has been steadily producing an album a year, for 24 years? That's fucking insane.
But beyond the Melvins. In the early/mid 90's, the Melvins led me to other bands. I already mentioned Nirvana, AIC, Skinyard, Sonic Youth, Mudhoney, Dinosaur Jr .and others. I then found TAD, Coffin Break, Zeke, and so many others. Between 1994 and 1998 I was steadily watching the northwest scene, while at the same time, ruining my life. A series of bad relationships, and other problems kept me from music and friends for a few years.
In 1999-2001 I remember getting to see the Melvins again and again. A return to triumphant times, and bleeding ears. I followed that with another terrible time in life, followed by more music followed by the wosrt time of my life. 2005 was a year that I wish I could erase. Completely wipe it from history. 2005 was also the first time I filmed a show. The Melvins and Jello Biafra. November 5th, 05. Olympia. The final return to music. I taped a beautifull show. Noise, riffs, and Jello's weary rants. I didn't care. I was seeing the Melvins the way I was meant to. Me, and them. Live. Loud. Beautifull.
Since that time, I've taped many a Melvins show, traveled to Cali to see them a few times, and spent 5 days this last July on the road watching them. I also filmed Triclops, who want to use my footage in a video. A major book publishing company has bought some pics from me to use in a new book on the art of Kurt Cobain. Hell, that paycheck basically funded my 5 day Melvins trip. I learned of Harvey Milk, and Brothers of the Sonic Cloth. Filmed both on their last Portland stop. BOTSC want the film to maybe include in a future video release. Harvey Milk requested a copy too, but probably more for personal use. I finally got to see Boris live. Words cannot explain what they do with music. Melt Banana entered the picture. Such a fun band to watch and hear. BATTLES. Fucking BATTLES. These guys are a band I will NEVER pass up if they're in the Northwest. There really is so much more. For having found out about so many bands with the last year, I feel like I did in high school again. Discovery, discovery, discovery. Keep looking, the bands and music you hear in your head are out there. And if they aren't, start that band. Get shit rollin'. |
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
More HyperHeart
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Hearts Vs. Hearts
The Music, the Science, and the Hyper-Active Heart
Current mood: 
inspired
Category: Music
There has come to be a kind of second wind in my life lately. Lately being about two years ago I guess. Getting out of a terrible realtionship and a family affair that just about introduced me to suicide, I finally learned to become my own. I realized what was important to me, I thrived on it, and I probably took it to far.
Music saved me. Cliched it's true. But it really did. It's been a part of my life since I was seven years old. I can remember the very first song I ever loved was a Helen Reddy tune. I wish I could remember the name of it.
The summer of 1983 I was with my mom at a garage sale and I found two tapes of bands I had heard of. Wham, and Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here". Guess what I listened to more at the age of seven? Yep, fucking Wham. Around nine years old I still had the tapes and had started to constantly play "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" over and over. Suddenly 'Wham' took a back seat. Between listening to "Wish You Were Here' over and fucking over, I had started to find other bands. Some good, some not so good. Ramones, AC/DC, the Clash. Mc Hammer. Jesus. Can't Touch This swept the nation.
When I was fourteen, my uncle Scott took me to see AC/DC live. Turning point. I was a year old AC/DC fan by then, and knew nothing of the power that was about to meet me of a live, loud, rock show. I remember hearing Sin City and asking him "What song is this"? I had only known Brian Johnson. Finding Bon Scott and the original AC/DC blew me away and started my quest on obbsssion with bands and their history.
Junior High found me still loving AC/DC, and being introduced to Metallica, Judas Priest, Scorpions, Kiss, UFO, T. Rex, Thin Lizzy, and countless others. I remember this time of school being a haven for bands like "The Human League, Bon Jovi, and Def Leapord. They bored me to tears. Something loud, interesting, and unusual took hold.
My junior year of high school is when I found the light. Besides having already been introduced to the likes of the Who, Hendrix, the Doors, Cream, and the Sonics. I had ventured much farther into the Pink Foyd catalog as well. But then the big break came in the early 90's
The Melvins. My friend Benn first turned me onto them. Bullhead was my first Melvins album. A total noise-riff mind fuck that made everything else seem so standard. Nothing I'd ever heard before. Beauty, melodies that crushed, and feedback that made sense. The first band that ever used vocals like an instrument. Everything fit. Everything finally congealed for me. And to top it off, a band that was from my own town! Benn had also at this point started a band called 'No Talent'. The best band in town bar none. Heavy, and full of melody, Benn was a songsmith from the get go. I had the pleasure of watching probably hundreds of No Talent shows throughout high school. They even opened up for the Melvins a few times when we were all in 9th grade. I still have a recording of their set from the RCKCNDY, and listen to it often.
The Melvins became a love for Nirvana. Nirvana became a love for Sonic Youth. Sonic Youth became a love for Dino Jr. And on and on. Suddenly, a shitload of bands I never knew, but had been around forever began popping up. Melvins, Nirvava, Sonic Youth, Dino Jr, Jesus Lizard, Tad, Gruntruck, Alice In Chains, Mudhoney, Fugazi, Skinyard, Coffin Break, The Minuetmen, Poison Idea, Green River, Dead Moon, Earth, and a fountain of others that I was so close to, but so far away from. The introduction of the Melvins into my life really brought me into the future of music. This finding of these bands led to me studying hem, and finding their influnces. The Wipers, The Descendants, Sex Pistols, The Damned, X, TSOL, Agent Orange, and so many others. Kiss, Judas Priest, the Who, and Rush already were on my radar, but they were influences too.
Around my senior year, and the few following years, I branched out. I found the Butthole Surfers, the Flaming Lips, and Ween. Three bands that have taken up far to much of my time and money. Music never seemed to stop growing. Finding new music and bands became an obsession. In 1993 and 1994 I travelled to many a show and skipped a day of school my senior year to see Nirvana, the Melvins, and the Breeders in Salem, Oregon. I went with my best friend Martin, and we left around noon time to get down for the show. I remember getting in, and walking around the lobby area and Dale coming up to us and saying hi. We were the only people there to have on Melvins shirts. He chatted with us for about ten minutes, and then left to go get ready. This show was a defining moment in my life. I was up front all night. The Melvins were not as appreciated as they should have been, and Nirvana was just coming off of recording and releasing In Utero. I walked out of the Salem Armory with a knot on my head courtesy of a Doc Martin to the noggin, and a bite mark in my forehead from a crowdsurfer. All acidental, but all painful and fun.
Since 1994, I have expanded rapidly. The Melvnis obsession still holds true, and I've managed to find bands in the last 14 years that continue to amaze me. I know 1994 till now is a long stretch, but I've seen so much that I can't explain. L7 blew me away. Babes In Toyland were amazing. Sonic Youth live still makes my skin stretch.
In the last few years I've seen newer bands like Brothers of the Sonic Cloth, Harvey Milk, Boris, Torche, Big Business, Triclops, and so many others. Most of these bands have been around for so many years, but I've finally taken notice of them. I'm only 32 years old, and I feel like I haven't seen shit yet. Hundreds of bands, hundreds of venues, hundreds of concerts, and I'm convinced I still haven't scratched the surface. I plan on continueing to travel to see my favorites, buying what I can to remind me of what I love, and always appreciating what I've had so far. Music is blood. I give some and I take a lot. Thankfully there are many donors out there.
More to come......
Ryan
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The latest
Damn, it's been so good it shouldn't be......
In the last week I flew down to San Francisco, and saw the Melvins, Drunk Injuns, Los something or another, Akimbo, Triclops, The Axis of Merry Evildoers, and the Jelvins,. I taped everything. I got to meet and talk to Adam Jones from Tool. I met Buzz. Very friendly, though he was busy. Met Dale. Such a cool guy. Took time to talk outside the venue during a smoke break, even while a crazy San Fran hobo talked to us about how the Lakers were going to fuck up game six. Which they did. Drank and hung out withy Smellis, David, Grim, Grims bro, Dillard, Senor Ramone, and Tim. Tim was the gatekeeper from the GAMH who was cool enough to allow me in to film on Tuesday night when the bosses at the front door told me no film, no photo's. I got lucky. He saw me at the front argueing with the personal and he told them it was ok for me to film. Thanks man.
Check out Triclops. Great music.
I got to hang with Greg ( Cheeseburger ) for two days in a row at his place of business. He treated me better than any girlfriend I ever had! :) We shall meet again.
Thanks to David and Smellis for letting me sleep in the closet of their hotel room. Best cramped quarters I could have hoped for. So worth it.
I'm so tired. It's time to stop thinbking of thanks and time to crash. I fogot so much. Your a good crowd. Goodnight.
In the last week I flew down to San Francisco, and saw the Melvins, Drunk Injuns, Los something or another, Akimbo, Triclops, The Axis of Merry Evildoers, and the Jelvins,. I taped everything. I got to meet and talk to Adam Jones from Tool. I met Buzz. Very friendly, though he was busy. Met Dale. Such a cool guy. Took time to talk outside the venue during a smoke break, even while a crazy San Fran hobo talked to us about how the Lakers were going to fuck up game six. Which they did. Drank and hung out withy Smellis, David, Grim, Grims bro, Dillard, Senor Ramone, and Tim. Tim was the gatekeeper from the GAMH who was cool enough to allow me in to film on Tuesday night when the bosses at the front door told me no film, no photo's. I got lucky. He saw me at the front argueing with the personal and he told them it was ok for me to film. Thanks man.
Check out Triclops. Great music.
I got to hang with Greg ( Cheeseburger ) for two days in a row at his place of business. He treated me better than any girlfriend I ever had! :) We shall meet again.
Thanks to David and Smellis for letting me sleep in the closet of their hotel room. Best cramped quarters I could have hoped for. So worth it.
I'm so tired. It's time to stop thinbking of thanks and time to crash. I fogot so much. Your a good crowd. Goodnight.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Krankheit
Möglicherweise eine andere Zeit und Datum. Ein anderer Tag, nicht so spät, eine andere Demenz, für uns beide. Diese Musik lässt mich weit und weit reisen wünschen, schrittweisee, durch Ihre Seite. Diese Dämmerung hebt mich in Richtung zu Ihrem Herzen an, holt mich ab, brennt mich getrennt durch. Ihre Augen und meine stoßen zusammen, Abschluss Gedanken, in den geraden Geraden. Love' Krankheit S.-A., es gibt keine Heilung. Ausgenommen Tod, wenn Lieben rein.
Sickness
Perhaps another time and date.
Another day, not so late,
a different dementia, for us both.
This music makes me want to travel far and wide,
step by step, by your side.
This dawn lifts me towards your heart,
picks me up, blows me apart.
Your eyes and mine collide,
completing thoughts,
in straight lines.
Love's a disease,
there is no cure.
Except death,
when loves pure.
Another day, not so late,
a different dementia, for us both.
This music makes me want to travel far and wide,
step by step, by your side.
This dawn lifts me towards your heart,
picks me up, blows me apart.
Your eyes and mine collide,
completing thoughts,
in straight lines.
Love's a disease,
there is no cure.
Except death,
when loves pure.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The New Death of Old Times
I'd like to think that the new death of old times has come. The shit luck has run it's course, and the dawn of "my" normality has come back. The sun came up again this morning, like I always expect it to. I just don't think that I've expected to see it. Or wanted to.
Now I do.
But, there's a lot of time left.......A lot of thing left to unfold, a lot of challenges to face, and a few certain drama's to stare down. I don't know when they will rear up, but I bet it will be sooner rather than later.
But that's just something that I'll deal with. A major inconvenience that I will give massive attention. And hope that I am strong enough to handle.
I know I am.
But it's always different when your facing it.
Now I do.
But, there's a lot of time left.......A lot of thing left to unfold, a lot of challenges to face, and a few certain drama's to stare down. I don't know when they will rear up, but I bet it will be sooner rather than later.
But that's just something that I'll deal with. A major inconvenience that I will give massive attention. And hope that I am strong enough to handle.
I know I am.
But it's always different when your facing it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Cushions
I've noticed, that since I've started communicating to outer space on this typey rectangle, I've been nothing but a negative soul. Nothing but bitching. Well, what I've had to say is true. I do wonder why certain things have and haven't happened, but I think that if this was the only thing that people had to compare to ME, then it would be way off base. I'm not normally a remorseful, bitter, angry, sad person. I just happen to do most of my writing while drinking, and conversely, I do most of my thinking while drinking, and more so, I speak/type more freely while drunk. I have been hurt, burned, and left out to dry by people in my life. But who hasn't? I really do have a good outlook on life, and maybe I need to convey that more. And think that way more. Writing my hurt isn't a way for me to get people to feel sorry for me, it's just a way for me to vent. It's a cheap form of therapy.
I want to someday write a biography. Not because I think I'm going to be famous, or want to be famous, but I've always loved biography's, and thought a REAL biography, on some random person would be a fun read. I know, lots of biographies have been published, but it's always some super drunk, or some strung out junkie who invented a new language, or a president. I just mean a (somewhat) normal person. Much more relateable than a future president. I want to know if everyone deals with the same issues ( which I think they do, they just handle them better), or if I'm mostly alone. Has anyone else dealt with falling in love, getting married, and getting cheated on twice? Has anyone else has their step daughter accuse a close family member of molesting them, and had their life torn to pieces? Does anyone else miss somebody that they know they can never talk to again, even though they are only 15 minutes away?
It's at this time when I would usually fall into a huge self pity spiral, and write whatever popped into my head. Usually rhyming sad and mad, or some retarded junior high shit. I'm avoiding that tonight, because I've tired of it. It helps to feel sadness sometimes, but whenever I am, I get on here and let everyone know. I don't want to do that anymore. At least not every night.
I have a lot to look forward to. The Melvins shows in June in San Francisco. Big Business in early July. More Melvins shows in late July. Bumbershoot and Flatstock in late August/early September in Seattle. My pictures being published in the Kurt Cobain art book late this year.
Making enough money to afford these things that I have. Having a good job. Having ( mostly ) good family. Having the friends that I have. Those I've known for decades, and those I've known for months.
I think the hardship comes from not having anyone to share these good times with. The trips I'm making. The local shows. Laughing together at something funny or getting angry together at random everyday douchebags. Cooking with someone. Camping with someone. Riding quads, listening to music, watching a movie, sharing a different point of view.........on and on and on and on. It's a challenge most days. It's not easy. But like my folks said; "Life isn't easy. Wear a helmet".
I want to someday write a biography. Not because I think I'm going to be famous, or want to be famous, but I've always loved biography's, and thought a REAL biography, on some random person would be a fun read. I know, lots of biographies have been published, but it's always some super drunk, or some strung out junkie who invented a new language, or a president. I just mean a (somewhat) normal person. Much more relateable than a future president. I want to know if everyone deals with the same issues ( which I think they do, they just handle them better), or if I'm mostly alone. Has anyone else dealt with falling in love, getting married, and getting cheated on twice? Has anyone else has their step daughter accuse a close family member of molesting them, and had their life torn to pieces? Does anyone else miss somebody that they know they can never talk to again, even though they are only 15 minutes away?
It's at this time when I would usually fall into a huge self pity spiral, and write whatever popped into my head. Usually rhyming sad and mad, or some retarded junior high shit. I'm avoiding that tonight, because I've tired of it. It helps to feel sadness sometimes, but whenever I am, I get on here and let everyone know. I don't want to do that anymore. At least not every night.
I have a lot to look forward to. The Melvins shows in June in San Francisco. Big Business in early July. More Melvins shows in late July. Bumbershoot and Flatstock in late August/early September in Seattle. My pictures being published in the Kurt Cobain art book late this year.
Making enough money to afford these things that I have. Having a good job. Having ( mostly ) good family. Having the friends that I have. Those I've known for decades, and those I've known for months.
I think the hardship comes from not having anyone to share these good times with. The trips I'm making. The local shows. Laughing together at something funny or getting angry together at random everyday douchebags. Cooking with someone. Camping with someone. Riding quads, listening to music, watching a movie, sharing a different point of view.........on and on and on and on. It's a challenge most days. It's not easy. But like my folks said; "Life isn't easy. Wear a helmet".
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
An Ode To No One Is a Cry To Someone
You know how there's that asshole in the group? The one person, guy or girl, who everyone hangs with, but no one likes?
Am I that person?
Is that the reason?
There has to be a reason I cannot get a date. I cannot get a girl interested. I don't think I'm that bad. I've gotten many more compliments over the years than I have insults. I'm cut from different cloth. So what?
It's seriously annoying. I know the fault lies within. I know it.
I just don't know why.
Is it my long hair? Is it my fucked up sense of humor? Is it my not wanting kids? Is it my background? Is it my weird take on life? Is it my desire to have someone, yet still want to be alone sometimes? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT|?
Shit
Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?
I will not cave to standards that I'm supposed to cave to. Is that where love lies?
I will not give up myself. I refuse to die in your bed. Is that where love lies?
I will not die in your bed anymore, because that's where "love" lies.
What do you want? Another fucking weak ass soul?
Fuck you. I won't lie in your weak bed.
I won't fall apart in your weak arms.
I will not fucking rest in your weak surroundings.
I will NEVER lie to you so that you'll accept me
I WILL NOT LET YOU HURT ME, SCAR ME,HUMILIATE ME, LAUGH AT ME, or FUCK WITH ME EVER AGAIN.
I will be me. Fuck you if you don't like it.
I'm tired of placing my heart on your sleeve, only to have you throw your coat off and use it to wipe up the tears from your past.
RYAN
Am I that person?
Is that the reason?
There has to be a reason I cannot get a date. I cannot get a girl interested. I don't think I'm that bad. I've gotten many more compliments over the years than I have insults. I'm cut from different cloth. So what?
It's seriously annoying. I know the fault lies within. I know it.
I just don't know why.
Is it my long hair? Is it my fucked up sense of humor? Is it my not wanting kids? Is it my background? Is it my weird take on life? Is it my desire to have someone, yet still want to be alone sometimes? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT|?
Shit
Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?
I will not cave to standards that I'm supposed to cave to. Is that where love lies?
I will not give up myself. I refuse to die in your bed. Is that where love lies?
I will not die in your bed anymore, because that's where "love" lies.
What do you want? Another fucking weak ass soul?
Fuck you. I won't lie in your weak bed.
I won't fall apart in your weak arms.
I will not fucking rest in your weak surroundings.
I will NEVER lie to you so that you'll accept me
I WILL NOT LET YOU HURT ME, SCAR ME,HUMILIATE ME, LAUGH AT ME, or FUCK WITH ME EVER AGAIN.
I will be me. Fuck you if you don't like it.
I'm tired of placing my heart on your sleeve, only to have you throw your coat off and use it to wipe up the tears from your past.
RYAN
Saturday, May 17, 2008
updownupdownupdown
Damn. The events and news in my wee little life come like mood swings to a manic.
Good news: I'm going to see the Melvins in San Francisco in June. Two nights in a row.
Bad news: No one to drink with or have a good time tonight, nor anyone to go with to the show. A small pittance I guess, but when your bored, your bored. Everyones out of town or has previous plans. I need more than 4 fucking friends down here. And I need more than 7 total.
On an odd and probably gross note.....I just hocked a loogey about 4 feet into the trash and it went directly into the mouth of an upright beer bottle at the top of the pile. That's my luck in a nutshell.
Good news: I'm going to see the Melvins in San Francisco in June. Two nights in a row.
Bad news: No one to drink with or have a good time tonight, nor anyone to go with to the show. A small pittance I guess, but when your bored, your bored. Everyones out of town or has previous plans. I need more than 4 fucking friends down here. And I need more than 7 total.
On an odd and probably gross note.....I just hocked a loogey about 4 feet into the trash and it went directly into the mouth of an upright beer bottle at the top of the pile. That's my luck in a nutshell.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
bitch
I know I'm being a bitch. Sometimes I think I just need someone to rip my heart off my sleeve, throw a leash around it, and smack me in the face with it.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Pulled in by a lighthouse.
So strange, an off kilter hero
A contraption, a thinker, a do-er
A mess of accessable thoughts
A web that I won't nor want to escape from
Your a stranger, saying the right things
But thinking nothing of what you say
Pouring out your thoughts
Not realizing their mine
Living on canvas and lights and liquids
Thriving on the new and the old.
Yet how far or close you may be
Your still to far, to far to see.
A contraption, a thinker, a do-er
A mess of accessable thoughts
A web that I won't nor want to escape from
Your a stranger, saying the right things
But thinking nothing of what you say
Pouring out your thoughts
Not realizing their mine
Living on canvas and lights and liquids
Thriving on the new and the old.
Yet how far or close you may be
Your still to far, to far to see.
I'm off.
I'm tired
I've been scraping my knees looking for you.
I've been lookin down, looking backwards,
Looking inside, never outside.
I'm tired
From dreaming to much and never listening
Never stopping yet never really moving
Tired from not knowing what to think or do.
I'm asleep
I'm drugged or lost or oblivious or contagious
Obviously unaware
Of what surrounds me
I'm hurt
Alone and sitting here and making up stories
And dreaming and wanting and wondering and confusing
All of me
I'm tired
Aware of my own damned pity and
How sad it sounds to turn over the same page
Day in and night out.
I'm asleep
I'm off to dream
To love you again and smell your hair
To later wake up
Your not there.
I've been scraping my knees looking for you.
I've been lookin down, looking backwards,
Looking inside, never outside.
I'm tired
From dreaming to much and never listening
Never stopping yet never really moving
Tired from not knowing what to think or do.
I'm asleep
I'm drugged or lost or oblivious or contagious
Obviously unaware
Of what surrounds me
I'm hurt
Alone and sitting here and making up stories
And dreaming and wanting and wondering and confusing
All of me
I'm tired
Aware of my own damned pity and
How sad it sounds to turn over the same page
Day in and night out.
I'm asleep
I'm off to dream
To love you again and smell your hair
To later wake up
Your not there.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Where Will I Land?
Advice comes from all directions except from my brain. The one real power I can almost trust. Unknown people and people I love with unknowing reasons continue to batter me with "Things I oughta do". I oughta do this and I oughta do that. Moms wants to know am I dating? Fuck no! Who would date me? Who would want to try to make me happy? Actually, it isn't that tough. All I ask is honesty, responsibility, and loyalty. And not the "do what I say" kind of loyalty. Just loyalty. Just the respect kind of loyalty. A dash of thoughtfullness and love.
I guess your saying I should try to look on my own. Don't expect it to fall in my lap. Um......... done that. For 15 years. Unsuccesfully. Obviously.
Well, I'll keep on floating. Eventually, my wings will give out and I'll land. On either water and I'll drown, or on land and I'll build a home.
Companionship with the opposite sex is the strangest thing.
I guess your saying I should try to look on my own. Don't expect it to fall in my lap. Um......... done that. For 15 years. Unsuccesfully. Obviously.
Well, I'll keep on floating. Eventually, my wings will give out and I'll land. On either water and I'll drown, or on land and I'll build a home.
Companionship with the opposite sex is the strangest thing.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
CRY
Feeling forgotten. Such a sad thing. With blaring organ guitar feedbacking. With such love.
With monster, with hair with teeth with goodamn heart.
full of only sour milk stomach
With only the heart meant for a real traveling soul.
I'm not sure when to quit.
With monster, with hair with teeth with goodamn heart.
full of only sour milk stomach
With only the heart meant for a real traveling soul.
I'm not sure when to quit.
So fling me into the fucking sun.
Stretch my arms farther than imagination could go.
Throw me around while I sing Happy Birthday for money.
Drink me while I hate you.
I'm so tired of writing this shit. this shit that sounds like any shit some 13 year old could write. This garbage that any depressed little turd could crap out.
I get so downed by knowing that my little folded up noodle is capable of more. But still, it doesn't produce.
Goddamn, lost a few friends maybe?
I really am having a hard time coming to grips with this world.
I'm disappointed with my surroundings.
What's wrong with wanting someone to love?
What's wrong is no one understands.
Yea, yea, boo hoo.
Stretch my arms farther than imagination could go.
Throw me around while I sing Happy Birthday for money.
Drink me while I hate you.
I'm so tired of writing this shit. this shit that sounds like any shit some 13 year old could write. This garbage that any depressed little turd could crap out.
I get so downed by knowing that my little folded up noodle is capable of more. But still, it doesn't produce.
Goddamn, lost a few friends maybe?
I really am having a hard time coming to grips with this world.
I'm disappointed with my surroundings.
What's wrong with wanting someone to love?
What's wrong is no one understands.
Yea, yea, boo hoo.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Salt, wetness, hearts, floors
Turned way by every fucking friend I thought I had. Blue skin is on the outside in. Hate to fear for my family, but I have to. I hate to be this way, but I have to.
My siamese is out there, begging.
She doesn't know it but she's out there, raging.
My twin is out there, wanting.
she's out there, coupling.
I've been pulled, like you have, torn
A dogfaced wishboned, scorned.
A lump, a hurting brain, a catastrophe, gone insane.
Teased blood, born a little late
souls burning, crying at the gate.
banging iron, knee's scraped,
begging for love, not your hate.
We push, against your will,
pouring forward, tears like a drill
Pushing out, the things we hate
ripped in pieces, the love we gave.
and afterwards, you still yell
torturing us, with your hell
Aborted love, you force on us
Our stupid souls, in lust we trust.
And now you leave us, On our bedroom floor,
while you hurry, out the door
to sit and stir among our salty hurt,
While you plan your next big flirt.
My siamese is out there, begging.
She doesn't know it but she's out there, raging.
My twin is out there, wanting.
she's out there, coupling.
I've been pulled, like you have, torn
A dogfaced wishboned, scorned.
A lump, a hurting brain, a catastrophe, gone insane.
Teased blood, born a little late
souls burning, crying at the gate.
banging iron, knee's scraped,
begging for love, not your hate.
We push, against your will,
pouring forward, tears like a drill
Pushing out, the things we hate
ripped in pieces, the love we gave.
and afterwards, you still yell
torturing us, with your hell
Aborted love, you force on us
Our stupid souls, in lust we trust.
And now you leave us, On our bedroom floor,
while you hurry, out the door
to sit and stir among our salty hurt,
While you plan your next big flirt.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Gates
I've got
nothing to live for
Everyday, I might give you more for
Those times you spent on the fucking hay.
Everyday I've got
nothing to live for
Everyday I've got nothing to push forward
Everyday I've got nothing to say.
And when there's nothing to say.
I'll say
you've got nothing to live for
Passions been knocking at your door
Loves been passed out on your floor.
And you keep giving it away.
nothing to live for
Everyday, I might give you more for
Those times you spent on the fucking hay.
Everyday I've got
nothing to live for
Everyday I've got nothing to push forward
Everyday I've got nothing to say.
And when there's nothing to say.
I'll say
you've got nothing to live for
Passions been knocking at your door
Loves been passed out on your floor.
And you keep giving it away.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Weekend recording session
Just got back a little while ago from recording over the weekend. We spent a total of 13 hours recording between Friday night and Saturday. Practice a part, record it. Fuck it up. Record again. And again. And again. Once more. Fix problems. Smoke. Drink a beer. Fix more shit. Trip over cords. Smoke. Record. And there is still more to be done! My buddy is doing the final mix this week, and I hope to have the final version in my hands within a few weeks.
I think it turned out great. We recorded to an 8 track, and mixed down to a four track. There's a total of 1 drum track, 1 bass track, 2 vocal tracks, 2 guitar tracks, and one track for overdubs. Drums were mixed through an equalizer and we added some reverb. The bass was ran through a Turbo Rat for some great distortion. On the guitar tracks we used to different guitars ( a Les Paul and a Strat) with two different amp setups. We recorded the vocals IN the Melvan. It made for great acoustics, and a great story. It smelled like mold and beer in there, and there was a dead bird and a dead rat on the floor. Good times.
I can't wait to hear the finished version. It's goona be good.
I also got the Mel-van pics I needed to get. Sent em off to the editors a few minutes ago. I think my work is done for now. I'll have to wait n see if they want more.
I think it turned out great. We recorded to an 8 track, and mixed down to a four track. There's a total of 1 drum track, 1 bass track, 2 vocal tracks, 2 guitar tracks, and one track for overdubs. Drums were mixed through an equalizer and we added some reverb. The bass was ran through a Turbo Rat for some great distortion. On the guitar tracks we used to different guitars ( a Les Paul and a Strat) with two different amp setups. We recorded the vocals IN the Melvan. It made for great acoustics, and a great story. It smelled like mold and beer in there, and there was a dead bird and a dead rat on the floor. Good times.
I can't wait to hear the finished version. It's goona be good.
I also got the Mel-van pics I needed to get. Sent em off to the editors a few minutes ago. I think my work is done for now. I'll have to wait n see if they want more.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Argueing Whole Things
A tiny pieced together skull fragment takes it all back home.
A tiny love of our life brings the gnomes alone.
A beautiful piece of arithmatic will knock us together.
elected us, such willing partners.
( you've heard that before)
the corner, the shelter, it's a provocation.
Yea, I'm hearing the argument.
Everybody wants the way the untold way.
Process, is a special, provocation
Everybody wants something
But for now, a burning, a burning waiter.
an everloving looking.
A cry, a distant cry
another wet distant tear for us to start our story on
I want to yell.
I want to hear another.
Take me over!
There's a good concept here. A tale of good and loved and hated and strewn away.
Pass on this part to your children and make it a part of everyday life.
The ( this) argument is making this a good time.
Does putting in more make less of a whole?
Did you really think life would know?
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Time to pass out on a thumb less guitar player.
I now understand your addiction.
I like it.
A tiny love of our life brings the gnomes alone.
A beautiful piece of arithmatic will knock us together.
elected us, such willing partners.
( you've heard that before)
the corner, the shelter, it's a provocation.
Yea, I'm hearing the argument.
Everybody wants the way the untold way.
Process, is a special, provocation
Everybody wants something
But for now, a burning, a burning waiter.
an everloving looking.
A cry, a distant cry
another wet distant tear for us to start our story on
I want to yell.
I want to hear another.
Take me over!
There's a good concept here. A tale of good and loved and hated and strewn away.
Pass on this part to your children and make it a part of everyday life.
The ( this) argument is making this a good time.
Does putting in more make less of a whole?
Did you really think life would know?
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Time to pass out on a thumb less guitar player.
I now understand your addiction.
I like it.
a song by song word interpretation of moist thoughts and dry love. And it isn't all me.
My thoughts:
Starting off like chimes
Beating into a drum frenzy and
multi layered vocal conspiracy.
We will always sell our poison.
Wanting everything
Every moments swollen
Then there's a fast part.
Massing anger amounting faster than I can relive
The rising tide will kill you.
Beautiful drumming and dirty distortion.
My eyes are needles and not so narrow.
My headphones are free. I don't know what I even want to try to be.
Wake up!
drumb(stick) pieces only try to be.
Ignore my crown
Not so you'd know(tice).
Body dies arrested in this bucket.This bodies cold
It's still growing bolder.
There's a stillborn love, only suitable for me.
Red 9 # 1
We were waiting.
One of my babies is right, with the gun.
My own wisdom goes now,
Cuz he's right
Four eyed muscle man
The true are not enough
I'll bang it out loud, and I was looking
for a system tough enough.
My own wisdom goes now
cuz were right n simple
It's a definite fever
Made for just a me n you.
Made simple, just a thing for us two.
There's a way to forget us
Send me
Home now
If only we didn't piss it away.
It's there for this season.
Could you tell by the motion?
Could you tell by the light?
Could you tell that it's you?
There's a reason for our confusion.
There's a reason for our unknown love.
There's a little animal, way up in the air
My nose and tongue are roving, but maybe it's not there
There's a little man now, in the middle of the earth
He gives himself these orders, and let it all be burned
There are lots of makeshift wonders, seven in the world
Five of them will not be noticed and three will not be heard.
There's a meal, there's a window, there's a place you can see
You can keep what you've stolen, just give it back to me.'
I'd rather chase my vengeance, even if their dead
Maybe his time is coming, and maybe he's better off.
I'm gonna leave part II for later in your brain.
It'll take off from here.
Like a fucking concord.
Starting off like chimes
Beating into a drum frenzy and
multi layered vocal conspiracy.
We will always sell our poison.
Wanting everything
Every moments swollen
Then there's a fast part.
Massing anger amounting faster than I can relive
The rising tide will kill you.
Beautiful drumming and dirty distortion.
My eyes are needles and not so narrow.
My headphones are free. I don't know what I even want to try to be.
Wake up!
drumb(stick) pieces only try to be.
Ignore my crown
Not so you'd know(tice).
Body dies arrested in this bucket.This bodies cold
It's still growing bolder.
There's a stillborn love, only suitable for me.
Red 9 # 1
We were waiting.
One of my babies is right, with the gun.
My own wisdom goes now,
Cuz he's right
Four eyed muscle man
The true are not enough
I'll bang it out loud, and I was looking
for a system tough enough.
My own wisdom goes now
cuz were right n simple
It's a definite fever
Made for just a me n you.
Made simple, just a thing for us two.
There's a way to forget us
Send me
Home now
If only we didn't piss it away.
It's there for this season.
Could you tell by the motion?
Could you tell by the light?
Could you tell that it's you?
There's a reason for our confusion.
There's a reason for our unknown love.
There's a little animal, way up in the air
My nose and tongue are roving, but maybe it's not there
There's a little man now, in the middle of the earth
He gives himself these orders, and let it all be burned
There are lots of makeshift wonders, seven in the world
Five of them will not be noticed and three will not be heard.
There's a meal, there's a window, there's a place you can see
You can keep what you've stolen, just give it back to me.'
I'd rather chase my vengeance, even if their dead
Maybe his time is coming, and maybe he's better off.
I'm gonna leave part II for later in your brain.
It'll take off from here.
Like a fucking concord.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Forgiving myself for my brain
A high speed random thought process
Pour more in, get less out. divisive brained architecture. stupid boy with stupid words. wood, plastic, hops, lead, and aluminum. Tar, nicotine, and paper. Cd's magic ink, personal stink, and there's no link.
It's come down to me needing someone to share my rotten brain with, or hunting myself. One quick shot or a gulp of sweet chem's. No different than a pig or cow shot down to make me live.
I can't hear music anymore. It behaves like a tourette ridden firecracker. it makes no sense to condition my goatee, and it makes no sense to keep looking for a partner in crime. It's a small gasp at future love, but without the future.
Or the love.
Talking about saddiction. I don't think i could be anymore pathetic.
We all want to be loved. But not all of us will be.
Pour more in, get less out. divisive brained architecture. stupid boy with stupid words. wood, plastic, hops, lead, and aluminum. Tar, nicotine, and paper. Cd's magic ink, personal stink, and there's no link.
It's come down to me needing someone to share my rotten brain with, or hunting myself. One quick shot or a gulp of sweet chem's. No different than a pig or cow shot down to make me live.
I can't hear music anymore. It behaves like a tourette ridden firecracker. it makes no sense to condition my goatee, and it makes no sense to keep looking for a partner in crime. It's a small gasp at future love, but without the future.
Or the love.
Talking about saddiction. I don't think i could be anymore pathetic.
We all want to be loved. But not all of us will be.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Sick,
Fuck, that last one was so fucking self centered. It wasn't supposed to be, but I was happy/excited. I'm not like that usually.
I worked most of the night last night. got home at 7 am and slept until 10am. Nice little nap. When I awoke, I felt like I was in a coma. I couldn't move. It HURT so damn bad just to roll over. My back has been killing me for weeks, but this morning, it ALL hurt. Everything except my nose. I think I caught the plague. Joints, bones, skin, cartridge, and organs, I can feel it all throb. It hurt to LIE DOWN. What the fuck is that about? I couldn't hold still. Just to help my brain concentrate on moving and not hurting. I took 2 Aleve, and made some hot whiskey, water, and honey drinks. They helped after a few hours. I feel about 50% better now.
So I'm half schnockered and hurting a little.
Who filled my legs with gravel?
Who filled my lungs with tarter sauce?
( I did )
Amazing invention, that alcohol and pain reliever is.
I worked most of the night last night. got home at 7 am and slept until 10am. Nice little nap. When I awoke, I felt like I was in a coma. I couldn't move. It HURT so damn bad just to roll over. My back has been killing me for weeks, but this morning, it ALL hurt. Everything except my nose. I think I caught the plague. Joints, bones, skin, cartridge, and organs, I can feel it all throb. It hurt to LIE DOWN. What the fuck is that about? I couldn't hold still. Just to help my brain concentrate on moving and not hurting. I took 2 Aleve, and made some hot whiskey, water, and honey drinks. They helped after a few hours. I feel about 50% better now.
So I'm half schnockered and hurting a little.
Who filled my legs with gravel?
Who filled my lungs with tarter sauce?
( I did )
Amazing invention, that alcohol and pain reliever is.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
somehow, there's always something to look forward to.
The buzz is catching on like a well spread disease. The last few nights have been 123 rounds of fun. I was contacted some months ago by a book publisher, that wanted me to take some photo's. i did. I submitted them. Now I've been contacted by the author of one of the most famous books written about one of the most famous bands ever. Regardless of whether or not you agree, they are a famous band. He's asked me to get a hold of him if I'm ever in the area. I shall. He's a quick train ride away. I can't express how stoked I am about meeting him, and talking to him about music. Mostly the band in question, but he was also the editor of one of the most famous music rags in the NW, if not the whole USA. I want to talk up the whole NW music scene, back to the 1950's. I cannot tell ya how happy I am to have this opportunity. I'm being vague, I know. But I can't reveal what this project is until it's done. Wouldn't be right.
I'm going to take more pictures for this book next month. When it's all said and done, I will let it be known that I had the littlest, tiniest, teeniest part of something that I am proud of.
I can pretend.
ryan
I'm going to take more pictures for this book next month. When it's all said and done, I will let it be known that I had the littlest, tiniest, teeniest part of something that I am proud of.
I can pretend.
ryan
Thursday, March 6, 2008
dog cat fish duck cow
I think I knew at an early age that Death was an obvious part of Life. My first memories of death were of pets dying. I had goldfish that would occasionally go belly up. My parents had a little white dog that probably died around the time I was one or two years old. I remember seeing the cross they made for his grave in the outskirts of the backyard. The grave marker no longer stands, but the spot of his burial still remains. I got a bunny one Easter. I was seven or so. Obviously, I named him Thumper. One nasty, windy day, a tree blew over and crushed his hutch. My dad said he escaped, never to be seen again. I wonder. I/we had a dog, her name I cannot remember after that. She lived a long life, only to one day disappear. I see her vividly in my brain, but cannot remember her name. We had a cat my sister named Blackberry White. I had some ducks without names. I had a cow, a fucking cow, named Charlie. i raised him from calf to monster, and then we ate him. We had Tac. A really cool white cat. One day, he disappeared. A few months later, a neighbor gave us a white kitten. Obviously Tac's son. He was named Taccer two. He was put to sleep a few days ago. He lived 18 years. My parents still have two cats. One named Ben, who is totally lethargic, and getting fatter by the day, and the other is names Slate. She's a slut. Keeps popping out kittens, but my dad loves her. Mom hates her. She's mean to mom, total sweetheart to dad. It's funny. Now I have a new kitten. Named him Leo. He's an orange and white tabby with really cool patterns. And he's insane. Of course he is, he's a kitten. Seven months old. I just bought him some ridiculously huge piece of cat furniture on ebay. I'm hoping it keeps him off of the tv. Guess I'll find out in a few days when it shows up. He's teething. He bites everything. He's funny.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Cannibal heart and brain
For some reason, I am constantly reminded of all the bad times in my life. Little things bring back these shitty memories. Hardly ever am I reminded of the good times. I don't know why. Living alone has all the advantages in the world, but not having someone to call on, talk to, or just have a good time with is definitely draining. That being said, I've given up looking. But I haven't given up complaining about it. It's a catch 22 I guess. It's tiring, I'm tired, and everyone is tired of hearing about it.
Guess I'll just get up tomorrow, go to work, and daydream through the day, like always.
Guess I'll just get up tomorrow, go to work, and daydream through the day, like always.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Saturday night
I ended up drinking a half rack of Seirra Nevada Pale. At home. Alone.
I thought I'd walk to the store to get one more beer. Driving was out of the question at this point. For obvious reason. I'm glad that even when I'm shitfaced, I still have the common sense not to do anything to stupid.
I got to the store. An easy half mile walk. Then it hit me that there was a bar only another mile-mile and a half away. For whatever reason, I decided to go for it. By this time, it was raining like a bitch too. I guess 6 months of non adventure finally culminated. So I went for it.
I was busy texting with a friend on the walk there, so that helped whittle away the time. When I got there, I beelined for a stool, and sat. I asked for a good IPA, and was told for $5 I could get a good IPA and a free glass. Deal.
It was a nice, heavy glass. One more for the cupboard.
I drank few more, between texting. The bartendress was really cool. She put up with my "What other beers do ya have?' babble.
Last call was called at 1:15am. What the hell? I argued, kinda, for a minute. I'd had enough anyway. Surprised I even got served, but like I said, I can be a pretty good drunk when I need to be.
I started walking home. It was only about 1:30, and I passed a convenience store. Ah, what's one more 22? I bought one, but I don't remember what it was. Stopped to take a piss by some construction site, and it was then I decided I'd better find a side street to walk home, since I about fell over, and had a full, opened 22 in my hand. I made it home, don't know when, and passed out.
As expected, I felt like shit on Sunday and didn't get my laundry done.
I thought I'd walk to the store to get one more beer. Driving was out of the question at this point. For obvious reason. I'm glad that even when I'm shitfaced, I still have the common sense not to do anything to stupid.
I got to the store. An easy half mile walk. Then it hit me that there was a bar only another mile-mile and a half away. For whatever reason, I decided to go for it. By this time, it was raining like a bitch too. I guess 6 months of non adventure finally culminated. So I went for it.
I was busy texting with a friend on the walk there, so that helped whittle away the time. When I got there, I beelined for a stool, and sat. I asked for a good IPA, and was told for $5 I could get a good IPA and a free glass. Deal.
It was a nice, heavy glass. One more for the cupboard.
I drank few more, between texting. The bartendress was really cool. She put up with my "What other beers do ya have?' babble.
Last call was called at 1:15am. What the hell? I argued, kinda, for a minute. I'd had enough anyway. Surprised I even got served, but like I said, I can be a pretty good drunk when I need to be.
I started walking home. It was only about 1:30, and I passed a convenience store. Ah, what's one more 22? I bought one, but I don't remember what it was. Stopped to take a piss by some construction site, and it was then I decided I'd better find a side street to walk home, since I about fell over, and had a full, opened 22 in my hand. I made it home, don't know when, and passed out.
As expected, I felt like shit on Sunday and didn't get my laundry done.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
its time to sign out burn out and give up. Perfect color isn't possible, so shut up. Goddamn little asshole, little lump lip. Drink water, be quiet, and starve. You get embarrassed when your body speaks. Let your eye scream. Have I been alive for roughly 11680 days? Doesn't seem that many. Estimates.
Turns out it's only 11548 days. 277152 hours. 997747200 seconds.
Boring.
Young enough to die of a old man's heart. I might go for a walk tonight. I wish I had NY sidewalks and Washington beach dreams. Rain, cement, noise, and on the flick, a green, lit, acreage of dirt, tree's, and bamboo. And xylophones. And water.
Huggies noise. Huggies will hold two pounds of streetwalker bullshit you know? Fuck pdx would be fun tonight. It's time to invite the clan down for another night at the Magic Garden, and drinking of whiskey on the forbidden rooftop of a downtown motel.
Turns out it's only 11548 days. 277152 hours. 997747200 seconds.
Boring.
Young enough to die of a old man's heart. I might go for a walk tonight. I wish I had NY sidewalks and Washington beach dreams. Rain, cement, noise, and on the flick, a green, lit, acreage of dirt, tree's, and bamboo. And xylophones. And water.
Huggies noise. Huggies will hold two pounds of streetwalker bullshit you know? Fuck pdx would be fun tonight. It's time to invite the clan down for another night at the Magic Garden, and drinking of whiskey on the forbidden rooftop of a downtown motel.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
a ghost, a relationship, a tear
I'm not sure why, but I'm in a mood tonight. I can't seem to find people with my tastes, that aren't beyond my grasp. People that share a little something with me. Well to be honest, girls that share something with me. Who am I kidding. My buddies ( the guys), we all share the same taste. Otherwise we wouldn't be friends. We are a small group. I like it that way, because I know there isn't any bullshit. We've been friends for years. Twenty + years to be more precise. My buddies? All married. Not that I want to be married, but shit, isn't there supposed to be someone for everyone? Why did I have to make all the mistakes, make all the errors, for them to learn from, and I'm still out in the cold? I've been married twice. I'm 31. I'm not old, but I'm getting there. I talk lowly of myself, but I do think I'm decent. Good taste in music, good sense of humor, good sense of morals. I have common fucking sense. I make good $, I'm happy with where I've gotten myself. I think it boils down to confidence. I have nil to none. I'm not sure. Maybe I haven't reached out enough. But, when I have reached out, I've gotten bitten. It's common sense to try to keep yourself from getting hurt. Isn't it? Ya get bit enough times, you'll quit whatever it is that your doing. Therefore, I am done in trying. It's easy for people with a good relationship to say keep trying. They're happy. They have no worries. I've tried, really, I fucking have. Yea, been divorced twice. Judge that if you must. First time I was to young and stupid. A mistake and we both knew it. Second time, I got my heart ripped to pieces. A story left for another time. Suffice to say I had two step daughters taken from me, two little girls that I cared for. Two little people that made life a little better, and in the end, made me realize that maybe I'm not cut out to be a figure in someones life. Not a parental figure anyway. I'm 31 fucking years old and still not sure who I am. Or maybe I just haven't met the person who"ll make me feel better about who I am.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Don't except sense in any form
I am there. For the first time in almost 5 years.
Stupid? Yep.
Music time.
Stupid? Yep.
Music time.
Yesterday, tomorrow, $$
Well, fuck yesterday. I totally forgot it was Valentines Day. Good thing I didn't have to buy anything for anyone. That's not bitching, that's relief. I'll bitch about not having anything to buy the other 364.
Tomorrow night there's a party I'm invited to ( I don't know how it happened either). With a few people I don't know. I dread those situations as I have a low tolerance for idiots, so hopefully they aren't. I'm uneasy about going.
I bought the first issue of Rock N Roll comics today.....the one with the Melvins in it. Gotta spend my $$ on something, I guess it's better than crack or whores.
Well, I felt the need to write, but christ, this was boring. Stop reading.
Tomorrow night there's a party I'm invited to ( I don't know how it happened either). With a few people I don't know. I dread those situations as I have a low tolerance for idiots, so hopefully they aren't. I'm uneasy about going.
I bought the first issue of Rock N Roll comics today.....the one with the Melvins in it. Gotta spend my $$ on something, I guess it's better than crack or whores.
Well, I felt the need to write, but christ, this was boring. Stop reading.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Strange Year, stranger
Strange Year, stranger
I am in possession of dual thoughts, mostly. Therapy has two sides. Mine, and theirs. Theirs is $$, mine is peace. Trading money for peace. Like trading oxygen for food. Or turds for potatoes. Nonsense.
So far, 08 has been good. I've been expecting it to. My luck turned around September 07. My dad finally came home, my mom smiled for the first time in 2 years, and I got to see the Melvins 2 nights in a row. I traveled to SF for the last days of 07, intent on having fun. I did, except for the puking and shitting that was thrust on me courtesy of a fucking piece of pizza from Bowsers. I saw some friends again, ones I hadn't seen in years.
I named this a strange year,stranger, because so far it's been peaceful. I fucking hate complaining, because it comes across like any other damn whining dick with a keyboard, but I feel I have the right to bitch. Since 04, lifes been a struggle. I was ready to attack my face with high speed, burning buckshot.
I've met a couple of people so far this year, and they have invigorated my faith in decency. It's strange being part of a group that is few and far between, yet having friends that would fit into that group that are so close. My time in SF was well spent; getting to meet DF and his kind gf Y. I also spent time in Oly meeting RK and her friends, who were also fun as hell. To be able to meet them, tip a brew with them, and talk about our time on this planet has been the BEST therapy one could hope for. I believe that just spending time with people of the same interests would help so much more than telling a stranger your problems. Buying a round or two is also much cheaper. It's a type of therapy that I learned long ago, but never had the balls to pursue. I'm looking forward to later this year, meeting more people, maybe visiting the ones I've met already, and just waking with the east rising sun and challenging it to another fucking day.
I paid off the last of my credit card debt today. Money that was never spent by me, but responsibility that I took on. I'm either stupid or to nice. I would have to vote for the former. And latter.
My new cat, Leo, has woken me up the last two mornings by biting my goatee, and then pulling backwards. Getting hair ripped out WILL wake your ass up. I interpret it as a show of love, but I might be wrong. Since I got him on Thursday, he's gotten very sick. The Humane Society said he probably would, and he did. Gasping for breath, sneezing, and totally lethargic. Since I took him to the vet, and got some meds, he's 100% better. Hence the chin biting and playfulness.
I feel like I'm back in the saddle, 14 years to late. I didn't waste 14 years though, I got smarter. Now, someone just tell me that tomorrw.
I am in possession of dual thoughts, mostly. Therapy has two sides. Mine, and theirs. Theirs is $$, mine is peace. Trading money for peace. Like trading oxygen for food. Or turds for potatoes. Nonsense.
So far, 08 has been good. I've been expecting it to. My luck turned around September 07. My dad finally came home, my mom smiled for the first time in 2 years, and I got to see the Melvins 2 nights in a row. I traveled to SF for the last days of 07, intent on having fun. I did, except for the puking and shitting that was thrust on me courtesy of a fucking piece of pizza from Bowsers. I saw some friends again, ones I hadn't seen in years.
I named this a strange year,stranger, because so far it's been peaceful. I fucking hate complaining, because it comes across like any other damn whining dick with a keyboard, but I feel I have the right to bitch. Since 04, lifes been a struggle. I was ready to attack my face with high speed, burning buckshot.
I've met a couple of people so far this year, and they have invigorated my faith in decency. It's strange being part of a group that is few and far between, yet having friends that would fit into that group that are so close. My time in SF was well spent; getting to meet DF and his kind gf Y. I also spent time in Oly meeting RK and her friends, who were also fun as hell. To be able to meet them, tip a brew with them, and talk about our time on this planet has been the BEST therapy one could hope for. I believe that just spending time with people of the same interests would help so much more than telling a stranger your problems. Buying a round or two is also much cheaper. It's a type of therapy that I learned long ago, but never had the balls to pursue. I'm looking forward to later this year, meeting more people, maybe visiting the ones I've met already, and just waking with the east rising sun and challenging it to another fucking day.
I paid off the last of my credit card debt today. Money that was never spent by me, but responsibility that I took on. I'm either stupid or to nice. I would have to vote for the former. And latter.
My new cat, Leo, has woken me up the last two mornings by biting my goatee, and then pulling backwards. Getting hair ripped out WILL wake your ass up. I interpret it as a show of love, but I might be wrong. Since I got him on Thursday, he's gotten very sick. The Humane Society said he probably would, and he did. Gasping for breath, sneezing, and totally lethargic. Since I took him to the vet, and got some meds, he's 100% better. Hence the chin biting and playfulness.
I feel like I'm back in the saddle, 14 years to late. I didn't waste 14 years though, I got smarter. Now, someone just tell me that tomorrw.
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