a ghost, a relationship, a tear

I'm not sure why, but I'm in a mood tonight. I can't seem to find people with my tastes, that aren't beyond my grasp. People that share a little something with me. Well to be honest, girls that share something with me. Who am I kidding. My buddies ( the guys), we all share the same taste. Otherwise we wouldn't be friends. We are a small group. I like it that way, because I know there isn't any bullshit. We've been friends for years. Twenty + years to be more precise. My buddies? All married. Not that I want to be married, but shit, isn't there supposed to be someone for everyone? Why did I have to make all the mistakes, make all the errors, for them to learn from, and I'm still out in the cold? I've been married twice. I'm 31. I'm not old, but I'm getting there. I talk lowly of myself, but I do think I'm decent. Good taste in music, good sense of humor, good sense of morals. I have common fucking sense. I make good $, I'm happy with where I've gotten myself. I think it boils down to confidence. I have nil to none. I'm not sure. Maybe I haven't reached out enough. But, when I have reached out, I've gotten bitten. It's common sense to try to keep yourself from getting hurt. Isn't it? Ya get bit enough times, you'll quit whatever it is that your doing. Therefore, I am done in trying. It's easy for people with a good relationship to say keep trying. They're happy. They have no worries. I've tried, really, I fucking have. Yea, been divorced twice. Judge that if you must. First time I was to young and stupid. A mistake and we both knew it. Second time, I got my heart ripped to pieces. A story left for another time. Suffice to say I had two step daughters taken from me, two little girls that I cared for. Two little people that made life a little better, and in the end, made me realize that maybe I'm not cut out to be a figure in someones life. Not a parental figure anyway. I'm 31 fucking years old and still not sure who I am. Or maybe I just haven't met the person who"ll make me feel better about who I am.